Archive for skill building – Page 2

What Does Your Handshake Say About You?

More than you know. Your handshake is a large part of the first impression you leave with people. What kind of hand-shaker are you?

Ironman Grip: If you’re getting winces or you hear knuckles cracking, that’s your cue to let go!  Assertiveness and confidence are glorious traits, but they aren’t proven by the physical power with which you shake. In fact, making someone completely comfortable portrays more confidence than a vice grip does. Give a hand a break (figuratively) and take it easy on your target.

The Moisturizer: Sweaty palms…you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes this simply can’t be avoided, like when you’re nervous, are experiencing anxiety or wearing a wool sweater at a summer barbeque. Do yourself a favor by being conscious of what you CAN control…like keeping that shaking hand empty of wet or sweating drink glasses.  If it is nerves, try placing the shaking hand in a pocket until necessary to give it a wipe and put it to work.

Fishy Shake: The largest pet peeve of most career networkers. This shake-style is floppy, disinterested and seen as lacking in commitment and sincerity. If you have an injured hand or a transmittable virus, say so up front, rather than putting in only half the effort. But if you’re going to shake, then move in for web-to-web contact and shake it like you mean it.

The Double-Clasper: Generally the super friendly, open-to-hugging, touchy-feely types. Bear in mind that this approach makes some folks uncomfortable, so act on this impulse only when appropriate.  The most comforting fact about this shake-style is that it exudes genuine friendliness…it’s not easy to fake the enthusiasm necessary to take someone’s hand into both of your own and actually enjoy it.

The Fingertip Toucher: This shake-style requires minimal effort and is comprised of lightly grabbing the fingertips and giving no more than a little wiggle. I bet you’re trying to follow through with the manners your momma gave you, but keep in mind that you’re giving the impression that you’d rather be anywhere but here. Worst case scenario…you’re a total diva and are subconsciously sending the message that you think you’re better than others.

Can’t Touch This: OCD types don’t like handshaking at all. No judgment here! We all have the right to our own quirks and boundaries. Maybe it’s a germ thing. Just remember that it’s okay to let people know if you don’t want to be touched.  You can say you have a cold, or aren’t a hugger…whatever. Most people are easy-going enough to roll right along and appreciate being warned so as not to cause you discomfort.

The Pinky Wagger: If you need to resort to using your pinky to shake, it’s a likely sign that you are holding too much in your hands…OR (gasp) that you don’t really mean it and prefer to fake-shake. The label on this shake-style says disheveled, disorganized or simply more interested in the food or booze than in meeting new people.

Slow and Steady: As the most considerate of all shakes, the slow and steady style says to the world that you’re interested, confident and focused on the individual. Absent are the indicators of being rushed or insincere. Slow and steady allows you to adjust your grip, gauge your tension and get in a friendly shake-pump.

Did you identify yourself somewhere?  Don’t worry, you don’t have to fess up to it in your comments…but if you’d like to, I’d welcome hearing about it.

13 Common Sentence Starters that Kill Your Independence

It’s the day of our Nation’s independence and celebration abounds. Funny how it takes a holiday to remember that our freedom wasn’t always an entitlement.

We’d long ago been given a beautiful gift of exercising the right to say what we think.  The potential problem is that, far too often, we tend to do exactly that.  Say what we think, instead of saying what would make us sound stronger or more direct. “Aren’t we supposed to say what we think in order to be direct,” you say?  Sure. But hear me out…

Your brain has an inner dialogue that speaks to you long before you choose the words that escape the mouth.  I urge you to consider that some of these initial thoughts/dialogues between you and your brain should stay there, rather than audibly display any doubt, uncertainty or insecurity. By uttering those first fleeting sentence starters, you virtually hand over the control of the conversation to the listener, allowing them the opportunity to accept or dismiss what you’re saying.

To be truly direct is to make an independent statement that is not subject to qualification. Holding back on the weaker sentence starter gives the rest of your message the power it deserves.

In honor of the first 13 colonies who made their direct statements of independence, I offer you a quick list of 13 examples. These sentence starters kill your verbal independence and give the power of your speech to the listener;

  1. If you don’t mind, I’ll….
  2. What I was thinking was…
  3. I’m not sure about this, but…
  4. Don’t you think we could…?
  5. I’m hoping it’s OK to …
  6. Why don’t we try…
  7. Maybe you’ve already thought of this…
  8. I know it sounds strange, but…
  9. For lack of a better option…
  10. I’m wondering if …
  11. May I ask a question? (Just ask it for Pete’s sake)
  12. Anything starting with the words “Well,…” or “Um,…”
  13. Anything starting with the combination of the words “Well,…” and “Um,…”

How often do you find yourself using a weak sentence starter, even though you are clear on what you intend to say?

4 Ways to Self-Promote Without Promoting Yourself: Part II

Last week I began the conversation about ways to get others to sing your accolades for you, instead of having to do it yourself. Our lengthy discussion with awards and nominations was labeled “Way #1”. It’s up to you, after all, to find creative ways to inform and educate your clients & prospects about how great you are….without it sounding like self-promotion.

This week I want to give you three more areas to focus on, Letters to the Editor, Speaking and Article Marketing. Each of these areas offers creative opportunities for accomplishing far more with your promotion efforts than you can muster alone.

Way #2. Letters to the Editor

In each of your local publications will be a section where the paper wants to hear intelligent and thought-provoking content from its readership.  The Philadelphia Inquirer, for example, has an email listed on their online edition that clearly solicits engagement in sending material to the publication. Take advantage of these areas where you can find them.  Editors enjoy hearing from their readership for a variety of reasons.

What’s your Angle?

  • Take a stance on something the paper ran in its last issue. Make sure you research the topic, know your facts and write an intelligent and relevant response.
  • Point out an error or challenge an opinion…but do it respectfully from an engaging and knowledgeable place. Ranting doesn’t get printed – nor does it help your reputation.
  • Pitch a story idea (called a query in publishing terms) that will complement and benefit the content in their publication. Be sure to research submission guidelines, as some prefer contact via email and others by snail mail.
  • Talk to the readership. Come from a place of support for the paper.

In magazines you can look for this information somewhere within the first few pages. You’ll find a listing of editors, staff, contributing writers and often, some instruction for those wishing to submit material to the paper.

What can they do for you?

Write back = Recognition

Run your piece/list your name = Visibility

Consider you a resource if they like your stuff = Credibility

Ultimately you need to be respectful, interesting and informative. You’re doing this to build your relationship with the paper as a professional resource and a supportive member of community. In time, they may come straight to you when they need knowledge or contribution from an expert in your field. There’s your shot.

Way #3: Event Promotion/Public Speaking

It’s a well known marketing tactic that public speaking is an excellent way to increase visibility and become more well-known within your field.  Many community entities need and welcome your expertise for the betterment of both their organizations and their constituents. The long list of these entities includes your local library, Rotary Club, Networking Clubs, Chambers of Commerce, Association Memberships and many more. But how does that fit into our topic of discussion here?

What’s the Point?

Newspapers often promote Community Events via their online editions like the Courier Post Online or the Burlington County Times. The guideline here is to make sure your events are of interest to the public rather than an ad for a Clearance Blow-Out or a Sale, Sale, Sale!  Business, networking and educational events have the most chance of being accepted for posting. Check the instructions upon finding the link, as on the BizJournals site.

Way #4: Article Marketing

Wikipeadia says:Article marketing is a type of advertising in which businesses write short articles related to their respective industry. These articles are made available for distribution and publication in the marketplace. Each article contains a bio box and byline (collectively known as the resource box) that include references and contact information for the author’s business. Well-written content articles released for free distribution have the potential of increasing the authoring business’ credibility within its market as well as attracting new clients. These articles are often syndicated by other websites, and published on multiple websites.”

Where Do You Post Your Stuff?

  1. Use your Association memberships to insert your content in their member newsletters, websites and online blog editions.
  2. Blogs of friends or alliances – Seek guest posting opportunities. Check out BloggerLinkUp.com
  3. Article Marketing sites like EzinesArticles.com
  4. Information Curation Sites in your own city like Examiner.com

Follow Through –Getting others to promote you is a stealth form of communication . Combining the efforts of accolades, article marketing and public speaking achieves the kind of visibility that comes from wearing red blinking glasses in a darkened room.  Your prospects can’t help but see you.

Help get the word out via your website/blog, your collateral materials and your social media profiles. And don’t forget the almighty press release! Don’t know where to start?  Let me give you a hand.

Seeking Guest Posts

The Stealth Communication Habits of the Assertive Woman at www.SandySpadaro.com would love to grow it’s content, comment role, and exposure reach by featuring topics that help out my readers…and yours. Let’s both enjoy the benefit of cross-promoting our businesses.  In order for me to get to know you better, I’d love a little information on the content you are able to provide.

Let's Publish Your Guest Post

GUEST POST SUBMISSION FORM here

and return to me via email at sandyspadaro@yahoo.com.

Keep in mind that the purpose of www.SandySpadaro.com is to provide a vehicle for learning and improving upon communication skills, whether in personal or business settings and specifically targets the female professional.  Please keep content submissions appropriate to the site’s mission in order to be considered for publication.  Lots of learning ops, no salesy pitches and just a dash of self-promotion please.

Thank You!

 

Will the Real You Please Stand Up

So much of effective networking is dependent on how comfortable we are in social settings. I know, I know…duh. Yet most people don’t realize what a large part of their conversational personality comes across as less than authentic. Discomfort has a lot to do with that and is often the first thing people feel in a room full of strangers. How does one overcome this setback?  I decided to ask an expert.  Here’s what friend and peer, Marilyn Kleinberg, has to say…

Networking the Real You

Will the Real You Please Stand Up?

So often I see a man or women at a networking event whose inner voice and body language says, “Get me outa here” but whose public voice says “hi my name is”.  If this sounds like you or you know someone like this, let me share a little secret with you…that used to be me, too.

So what did I do? I started by asking myself why was I so uncomfortable? I realized what had me paralyzed was the fear of “what am I going to say, will they like me, do I have anything to offer, or the ever present…do I look okay?”  For me, it stemmed from a place of insecurity.

And then I decided to get out of my own way.

Networking is nothing more than—and yet all about—the art of a conversation.

By just being me I can start a conversation about anything…the weather, sports, business trends, or about the crazy day I just had..as long as the discussion comes from a place of authenticity. In other words, I am interested in the answers I receive.

It’s pretty simple really. By approaching networking from a “how can I help you?” and not a “how can you help me” philosophy, you’ll open the door to conversations that will create commonalities, build relationships and foster a positive, authentic dialogue that can lead to new opportunities.

Also important for me, was the understanding that I don’t need to wear a pair of high heels and the “perfect fitted suit” to be accepted. I need to look businesslike and I need to be comfortable. I need to be genuine from head to toe, inside and out.

So just get over it and get on with it! People are waiting to meet the “real” you!

About the author:

Marilyn Kleinberg

Marilyn Kleinberg is the Executive Managing Director of eWomenNetwork Southern New Jersey and the former Vice President of the Chamber of Commerce Southern New Jersey.  Marilyn’s a seasoned networker, a wealth of resourceful information and an interminable support to women and women in business.  I welcome you to send her a shout-out at m.kleinberg@verizon.net .

Rachael Ray and I Have A Story

I met Rachael Ray today.

Aside from thinking she was clever and witty and unbearably cute, just as anyone who’s ever seen her will, one thing virtually struck my forehead like the rolled up newspaper we trained the new puppy with. The way she communicates is adorable because it feels like truth. From the modern vernacular she uses to the enthusiastic pacing and tonality of her words, she’s telling us a story every time she speaks. In fact, when asked how she makes her show segments so engaging since she openly professes NOT to be a chef, she replied, “It’s never about the food…it’s always about the story.”

This really got me thinking. So many of the great speakers, personalities and influencers excel at communicating not because it’s about what THEY know; they excel at communicating because they effectively relate it to what WE know.

Weaving a good story involves using a frame of reference that your audience can engage with, laugh about or have a good cry over. The phrase ‘Don’t speak at me, speak with me’ couldn’t ring more true. A masterful story comes from a place of open and vulnerable sharing – the storyteller often gifted with a style that takes the listener by hand while traipsing through the experience together. The story, having a definitive beginning, middle and end, captures interest so effortlessly that one forgets they’re listening to a speaker, but feels instead as if gabbing with girlfriends.

What makes a bad story?

  • Listing facts
  • Reading bullet points
  • Using technical jargon
  • Avoidance of flow
  • Lack of an ending point
  • Condescension

A good story will leave you with a new knowledge or a lesson learned.  A great story encourages the listener to do 3 very basic but important things with the message – Relate. Remember. Retain.

Ultimately, whether because of the story itself or the emotion left lingering on the listener, an effective communicator makes their experience become yours too.

So just after signing my name, then hers, in the new release “Rachael Ray’s Look + Cook” book, Rachael Ray took my hand and we posed for the camera together. Suddenly my own quick wit overcame me and I made the most daring, but applicable and totally funny remark (something I won’t repeat but can tell you came as a direct response to a string of commentary Rachael herself had started at the live interview with Philadelphia Magazine’s Publisher, Marian Conicella, only moments before the book signing).  In that brief flash of time between her look of surprise and the subsequent burst of genuine laughter, it was clear that she knew I’d been listening very closely.

On this day, Rachael Ray and I had a moment.  And now it’s my story.

Other Engaging Links:

In Celebration of Really Bad Email

Every now and again something you’ve hoped for happens and you simply have to shout it from the rooftops, knowing full well that it is WAY more exciting to you than it is to anyone else.

This is one of those moments. After all…we’re told to celebrate our accomplishments, right?

The following article was chosen in the 2010 Writer’s Digest writing competition within the “Magazine Feature Article” category. Not only will it be listed as such in an upcoming issue of Writer’s Digest Magazine, but it brings me one step closer to a couple of my writing goals.

I welcome you to a “virtual clink” as I raise a very deep glass filled with rich purple notes of plum, cherries & oak.

Salud!

The Writes and Wrongs of Email Messaging

Communicating via email is as commonly used as the remote of a TV. In fact, this extraordinary tool has become quite the ordinary, in both personal and professional communications. Consequently, using effective, creative messaging methods while remembering your online e-manners can help increase business, strengthen relationships and introduce convenience practices into your professional habits.

Emails can, for instance;

  • Create a paper trail (proof when it is needed)
  • Serve as quick, convenient reminders (to both you and to your recipients)
  • Be less time consumptive than leaving a voicemail or waiting for return calls
  • Allow you time to consider your message and revise where necessary
  • Allow you to eliminate emotion from potentially awkward interactions
  • Enable conversations with multiple recipients with the effort of only one interaction

Nevertheless, the tendency to become too comfortable can lead to sloppiness. Learn to monitor your email practices and AVOID these writing wrongs;

  1. Using the TO: section for multiple addresses. This is the biggest business faux pas in email history. Never use the TO: section to send a mass email…that’s what they make the BCC: section for (which stands for Blind Carbon Copy). Not only does this practice indicate an impersonal correspondence and a lack of knowledge on how to use email, it also invades the privacy of every name on that list. Mass emails left open for all to see create the serious potential for contact piracy and the spreading of electronic viruses.
  2. Vague or non-existing Subject Lines. Differentiate yourself from spammers by “fessing” up to what you want to talk about.
  3. Failure to choose your words wisely. Emails do not have the liberty of communicating emotion, tonality or inflection. Your words are the only tool you have when writing; always double check for synonyms, generalizations or double meanings.
  4. Tendency to answer too quickly. Brevity and accuracy are important, but miscommunication is a risk when answering in a rush or from your smart phone. Take time to review before pressing the ‘send’ button.
  5. Being too relaxed with grammar, spelling and slang. If you want to use acronyms, abbreviations and phonetic contractions, send a text or an instant message. Email is still the preferred way of sending business messages and should be treated with professionalism.
  6. Sending lengthy or unorganized information. Keep correspondences to one per subject – that means limiting each email to its own message points, attachments or links. Send a second email with the content of another subject. In the age of professional attention deficit disorder, an email with more than one message may not be read in its entirety and the risk of miscommunication increases.
  7. Relying on the auto-spellchecker. Many misspellings actually do make accurate words…they just might not be the words you intended to write. Don’t assume that your spell-check knows you meant “know” rather than “no” or “dessert” rather than “desert”.
  8. Overlooking your contact information. Even when corresponding to familiar people, it is a point of convenience and courtesy to include a signature with contact information at the end of each message. In the event that someone wants to respond with an immediate phone call or view your website, you don’t want them to waste time looking up your information.
  9. Placing personal information on company networks. Any email should be sent with the knowledge that at any given point, millions of viewers may have access. Companies always have the right to enforce compliance policies regarding privacy. If it can’t be read by your boss or your mom, save it for a phone call or for happy hour.
  10. Failure to delete long trails of pointless and unformatted content. Emails lose their convenience when someone must scroll endlessly to get to the intended message. If forwarding an existing message or a series of replies, do everyone the favor of deleting the unnecessary text. Stick to the point.
  11. Hitting “Reply All”. Unless each recipient of an email must be privy to all responses, your reply should only be sent to the email originator. It is time consuming and careless to include each person in a correspondence intended only for the sender.

Now let’s work on that second celebratory glass.

I’m Sorry, Can You Repeat That??

Ever have a total dis-connect while in conversation? Perhaps you aren’t hearing each other well, or maybe one of you is speaking with a mouth full o’ pigs in a blanket. Either way, the conversation is a ring-around-the-rosy of misunderstanding.  Awwkwaaard!

Here are a couple of questions I’ve received – and the tips I offered for addressing the issues.

What'd You Say?

Q. You’re in a conversation. Someone isn’t explaining their point of view clearly. Perhaps you just didn’t hear what was said.  At what point do you simply nod and smile when you’ve already said “What?” a number of times and still can’t decipher what they’ve said?

A: Forget about it. If you sense you’re going to cause embarrassment or discomfort in the conversation, drop it.  You know darn well when background noise, a heavy accent or a speech impediment is making things difficult. Instead of belaboring the disconnection, use this moment to change the subject or pull someone else into the conversation. Always have a couple of good conversation “redirector” questions up your sleeve – “Hey what do you suppose that artist was thinking?” [point at something on the wall], or “What would you say if that guy offered you $100 for your jacket?” Maybe these questions aren’t your style…so think of your own “traffic redirectors” for future use, before you need them.

Q: Someone says “What?” to YOU while sporting a blank or quizzical stare. You can tell it’s more than a language or audio barrier. They don’t understand what you mean…conceptually. They’re obviously not getting the point with the way you are explaining it.  Do you repeat or (last resort) raise your voice in hope that they finally ‘get it’?

A:  If they were hard of hearing, you’d see the hearing aid. Don’t raise your voice, rephrase your information. Too often it’s assumed that repeating yourself will magically create a new understanding where there was no understanding before. Negatory. You have to find different words to relay the same concept. CAUTION:  A friend of mine often says the phrase, “Talk to me like I’m 2-years old.” While this is potentially cute & humorous, be aware that changing the way you phrase something does NOT mean dummifying it to the point of insulting someone else’s intelligence. It may simply involve changing the words you use, or painting a mental picture with metaphors or similes.

Got a great response to a continued “WHAT’D YOU SAY?”   Do Tell.

Food for thought: Dealing with difficult people is a learned skill.  The more challenging aspect is how to change your own habits.  Be on the lookout for sandyspadaro.com‘s next post – My Advice Is King: Who’s the Jerk in This Conversation?

Women Are Too Emotional…Fact or Myth?

“We are just as strong as any man. Yet with generous intellect, we are also plagued with emotion. Emotion can be stronger then intelligence, and so it comes to pass that we are often our own demise.” ~ Female author unknown

I’m feeling particularly ambivalent about this quote.

While I am an avid believer in the fact that we ARE women and often DO roar, I have to disagree with the premise that emotion can become our own demise.

It’s common knowledge that women are generally more emotional than their counterparts, what with all that estrogen & such. Yet I raise the argument that this is not a hindrance but rather a resource.

Yeah, I said it. Female emotions are a resource.

 

Think about it. With our innately heightened emotions, women are capable of increasing their levels of output in a variety of areas that are ultimately as useful in business as they are at home;

  • Use of intuitive decision-making
  • Loads of empathy
  • Loyalty in client and personal relationships (often successful at balancing the two)
  • Heightened sensitivity to the source of challenges or potential problems
  • The ability to commit (to relationships, to projects, to employers, to contracts, etc.)
  • Open-mindedness to compromise and win-win negotiations
  • Dedication to flexible work arrangements, maternity/paternity needs and safety regulations
  • Patience & instinct for nurturing tasks, projects, trainees or obligations
  • Passion for the cause (whatever that may be today)

What poses a challenge is when emotion runs ramped. Creating habits that increase awareness…and therefore control…of emotions can ensure keeping those buggers in check.

Building habits that keep emotions in check:

  1. Streamline the Multi-tasking – By natural tendency, women can juggle a variety of items both mentally and physically.  We may not be happy about it, but we’re fully capable.  The thing is, the stress of taking on too much tends to creep up before we know it.  Practice taking inventory of the projects at hand and learn to say NO to the items that arise before completing the current list.
  2. Avoid Gossip – Women are natural communicators, and while this is often a bonus in the relationship-building department, gossip is not only a time waster but also a big deterrent to fair and truthful game play.
  3. Balance Intuition with Caution – Taking risks is a necessary part of using intuition but exercising the ability to weigh risk with danger is a useful skill for both negotiation and safety.
  4. Know When to Quit – Commitment to an employee, employer or project is an asset, until it depletes you of precious time, money or other resources.  Recognize when to cut the losses and begin again elsewhere having learned something along the way.
  5. Maintain Focus – Practice meditation, listen more than you speak, choose direct routes (in both transits and in conversations), fuel your body with brain food and remember to breathe.

 

How has female emotion been a useful resource in your own experience?