Archive for conversation

Shut Your Pie Hole: A Lesson in Listening

A colleague and I were recently discussing the ongoing challenge of helping people learn how to communicate more efficiently with their peers, co-workers and subordinate staffing. As a company, we persistently train on positive communication, choosing words wisely, using diplomacy, exercising conflict resolution tactics….and still our leaders in management are feeling repetitive and misunderstood. Why aren’t these fundamental skills being transferred to the employee in a way that helps everyone understand each other?

Amidst the frustration-laced conversation, Colleague says, “Can you just find a non-offensive and professional way to tell people to SHUT THEIR PIE HOLE and listen first?!”

Challenge accepted.

It’s often overlooked that listening is at least 50% of the components needed for effective communication.  Choice of words, tone of voice, body language and demeanor all comprise a combination of the other half. Why is listening important?  Because so much of the message that is exchanged depends on how we understand what is said by the other person. But why is it so challenging just to listen?

Listening doesn’t always come easily.  There is so much going on in our brains already; Generally,the intent to reply

  • We want our side to be heard
  • We’re already thinking about how we’ll respond, even while the other person’s still talking
  • We tend to want to interrupt, whether due to excitement, disrespect or disagreement
  •  Our face wears our reactions to what’s being said, whether good or bad
  •  Sometimes, in an argumentative scenario, we simply want to “win”

Effective listening is an acquired skill – and we have to practice it consistently in order to make it a good habit.   Listed below are NineListening Intentions that help polish our active listening skills;

1.       Keep quiet while someone else is speaking.  Avoiding interruption makes you a respectful conversationalist. People don’t always need to be right, sometimes they just need to feel heard.

2.       Avoid distractions. Give what you expect – if you want someone to listen to you, make sure you pay it forward, give them your attention and focus on the message you’re hearing.

3.       Offer unbroken eye contact. To look away portrays disinterest, apathy or indifference.

4.       Nodding adds a level of engagement and acknowledges that they are being heard.

5.       Tilting of the head signals interest and subconsciously shows concern in what’s being said.

6.       Relax body language. Minimizing gestures and motions can avoid putting the other person on edge or in defense mode. Watch any urges to squint or roll the eyes, arch your brows or shrug shoulders.

7.       Ask for clarification. If something isn’t 100% clear to you, don’t hesitate to ask for more detail.  Rather than offend someone, this tactic usually shows that you care to understand. Most would rather clarify themselves than to be misunderstood.

8.       Engage in repetition. Restating what you believe you’ve heard not only proves your engagement in the conversation, but also allows for the opportunity to be corrected if you’ve misunderstood.

9.       Sharpen your skills with listening games, activities or exercises.  Practice may not make ‘perfect’, but it certainly can make ‘better’.

Check back for a complete list of listening games and exercises for leaders, teams and staff in  my next post.

Will the Real You Please Stand Up

So much of effective networking is dependent on how comfortable we are in social settings. I know, I know…duh. Yet most people don’t realize what a large part of their conversational personality comes across as less than authentic. Discomfort has a lot to do with that and is often the first thing people feel in a room full of strangers. How does one overcome this setback?  I decided to ask an expert.  Here’s what friend and peer, Marilyn Kleinberg, has to say…

Networking the Real You

Will the Real You Please Stand Up?

So often I see a man or women at a networking event whose inner voice and body language says, “Get me outa here” but whose public voice says “hi my name is”.  If this sounds like you or you know someone like this, let me share a little secret with you…that used to be me, too.

So what did I do? I started by asking myself why was I so uncomfortable? I realized what had me paralyzed was the fear of “what am I going to say, will they like me, do I have anything to offer, or the ever present…do I look okay?”  For me, it stemmed from a place of insecurity.

And then I decided to get out of my own way.

Networking is nothing more than—and yet all about—the art of a conversation.

By just being me I can start a conversation about anything…the weather, sports, business trends, or about the crazy day I just had..as long as the discussion comes from a place of authenticity. In other words, I am interested in the answers I receive.

It’s pretty simple really. By approaching networking from a “how can I help you?” and not a “how can you help me” philosophy, you’ll open the door to conversations that will create commonalities, build relationships and foster a positive, authentic dialogue that can lead to new opportunities.

Also important for me, was the understanding that I don’t need to wear a pair of high heels and the “perfect fitted suit” to be accepted. I need to look businesslike and I need to be comfortable. I need to be genuine from head to toe, inside and out.

So just get over it and get on with it! People are waiting to meet the “real” you!

About the author:

Marilyn Kleinberg

Marilyn Kleinberg is the Executive Managing Director of eWomenNetwork Southern New Jersey and the former Vice President of the Chamber of Commerce Southern New Jersey.  Marilyn’s a seasoned networker, a wealth of resourceful information and an interminable support to women and women in business.  I welcome you to send her a shout-out at m.kleinberg@verizon.net .

Bully by Tongue: Are You A Conversational Bully?

Conversational Tongue Lashing

How often do you find yourself in a conversation with a bully?  I’m not talking about someone pushing your around – I’m talking about the bully that wounds with their words.  Pushy abrasive types KNOW they’re being a jerk.  The dangerous ones are the unsuspecting bully/jerks that are completely unaware how much power their words actually wield.  They tend to exercise control over conversations by insulting, hurting or belittling the person they’re speaking to, without the intention or the realization that they have.  There are dozens of conversational bullies out there. I’m not talking about you, am I?

The ‘My Advice Is King’ Bully

This kind of bully believes they’re being helpful by giving sage advice.  If this is your style, watch your step. Your off-putting phrases make people uncomfortable and create a negative platform for whatever conversation follows your opening statement. Ask yourself…have you ever started a sentence with these phrases?

  • The way I see it…
  • Let me tell you something…
  • If you were smart, you would…
  • You said,…
  • That’ll never…

Think before you speak. Offer other ways to communicate a strong opinion by beginning the sentence with a bit more diplomacy and sensitivity.

For instance, instead of saying “The way I see it…your proposal isn’t going to work”; try “I’m not sure I understand how this proposal will work.” You are admitting to the responsibility of the gap in communication, but not placing blame on any one party (even if you do blame someone). In addition, you aren’t suggesting future failure of the proposal either…in fact, you are actively keeping the discussion to a current time frame in order to maintain focus on solving your issue in the here & now. When you claim that things are “The way I see it…” you seem to be assuming that someone doesn’t ALREADY see it your way and are forcing them into defense mode.

Ever hear this one?  “If you were smart, you would tell them you have too much on your plate right now to take more on.” While the messenger likely has a concerned and helpful intention, they may have just insinuated that you aren’t ALREADY smart. Be cautious and aware to never, never begin telling someone your opinion by insulting theirs.

NO one likes being told what they did or didn’t say or what they did or didn’t do. Starting a sentence with “You said...” is a defense-mechanism trigger waiting to happen. Keep every conversation to your own recollection of how the exchange went the first time around. For instance, “I thought I understood you to say…” or “Am I remembering correctly that you said,…?” In this manner, you are allowing the individual to clarify their information without feeling attacked or on the spot.

Recognize any of these phrases from your own vernacular?  Take an inventory and take responsibility for your own messages.

Are you a Conversational Bully?

Other useful links:


I’m Sorry, Can You Repeat That??

Ever have a total dis-connect while in conversation? Perhaps you aren’t hearing each other well, or maybe one of you is speaking with a mouth full o’ pigs in a blanket. Either way, the conversation is a ring-around-the-rosy of misunderstanding.  Awwkwaaard!

Here are a couple of questions I’ve received – and the tips I offered for addressing the issues.

What'd You Say?

Q. You’re in a conversation. Someone isn’t explaining their point of view clearly. Perhaps you just didn’t hear what was said.  At what point do you simply nod and smile when you’ve already said “What?” a number of times and still can’t decipher what they’ve said?

A: Forget about it. If you sense you’re going to cause embarrassment or discomfort in the conversation, drop it.  You know darn well when background noise, a heavy accent or a speech impediment is making things difficult. Instead of belaboring the disconnection, use this moment to change the subject or pull someone else into the conversation. Always have a couple of good conversation “redirector” questions up your sleeve – “Hey what do you suppose that artist was thinking?” [point at something on the wall], or “What would you say if that guy offered you $100 for your jacket?” Maybe these questions aren’t your style…so think of your own “traffic redirectors” for future use, before you need them.

Q: Someone says “What?” to YOU while sporting a blank or quizzical stare. You can tell it’s more than a language or audio barrier. They don’t understand what you mean…conceptually. They’re obviously not getting the point with the way you are explaining it.  Do you repeat or (last resort) raise your voice in hope that they finally ‘get it’?

A:  If they were hard of hearing, you’d see the hearing aid. Don’t raise your voice, rephrase your information. Too often it’s assumed that repeating yourself will magically create a new understanding where there was no understanding before. Negatory. You have to find different words to relay the same concept. CAUTION:  A friend of mine often says the phrase, “Talk to me like I’m 2-years old.” While this is potentially cute & humorous, be aware that changing the way you phrase something does NOT mean dummifying it to the point of insulting someone else’s intelligence. It may simply involve changing the words you use, or painting a mental picture with metaphors or similes.

Got a great response to a continued “WHAT’D YOU SAY?”   Do Tell.

Food for thought: Dealing with difficult people is a learned skill.  The more challenging aspect is how to change your own habits.  Be on the lookout for sandyspadaro.com‘s next post – My Advice Is King: Who’s the Jerk in This Conversation?