Conversational Tongue Lashing
How often do you find yourself in a conversation with a bully? I’m not talking about someone pushing your around – I’m talking about the bully that wounds with their words. Pushy abrasive types KNOW they’re being a jerk. The dangerous ones are the unsuspecting bully/jerks that are completely unaware how much power their words actually wield. They tend to exercise control over conversations by insulting, hurting or belittling the person they’re speaking to, without the intention or the realization that they have. There are dozens of conversational bullies out there. I’m not talking about you, am I?
The ‘My Advice Is King’ Bully
This kind of bully believes they’re being helpful by giving sage advice. If this is your style, watch your step. Your off-putting phrases make people uncomfortable and create a negative platform for whatever conversation follows your opening statement. Ask yourself…have you ever started a sentence with these phrases?
- The way I see it…
- Let me tell you something…
- If you were smart, you would…
- You said,…
- That’ll never…
Think before you speak. Offer other ways to communicate a strong opinion by beginning the sentence with a bit more diplomacy and sensitivity.
For instance, instead of saying “The way I see it…your proposal isn’t going to work”; try “I’m not sure I understand how this proposal will work.” You are admitting to the responsibility of the gap in communication, but not placing blame on any one party (even if you do blame someone). In addition, you aren’t suggesting future failure of the proposal either…in fact, you are actively keeping the discussion to a current time frame in order to maintain focus on solving your issue in the here & now. When you claim that things are “The way I see it…” you seem to be assuming that someone doesn’t ALREADY see it your way and are forcing them into defense mode.
Ever hear this one? “If you were smart, you would tell them you have too much on your plate right now to take more on.” While the messenger likely has a concerned and helpful intention, they may have just insinuated that you aren’t ALREADY smart. Be cautious and aware to never, never begin telling someone your opinion by insulting theirs.
NO one likes being told what they did or didn’t say or what they did or didn’t do. Starting a sentence with “You said...” is a defense-mechanism trigger waiting to happen. Keep every conversation to your own recollection of how the exchange went the first time around. For instance, “I thought I understood you to say…” or “Am I remembering correctly that you said,…?” In this manner, you are allowing the individual to clarify their information without feeling attacked or on the spot.
Recognize any of these phrases from your own vernacular? Take an inventory and take responsibility for your own messages.
Are you a Conversational Bully?
Other useful links:
The Theory of Communication states that the cycle of expressing and understanding a message occurs at four intervals;